Like I learned sooo much, right?

By Michelle
Archived at:09/14/2009 07:09:30 pm

Oh muh god!

I just realized that like, I totally own nine thousand four hundred and seven pairs of shoes or something. Me and Jenna filled up like, a whole bedroom with them, and it's totally awesome cuz we wear the exact same size, and we can so share them, and like switch off and trade and stuff? Like, I don't know why I brought that up, k? But she's totally my new BFF, and she's like, totally so much fun to make out with!

Anyway, so I'm sleeping with David in my supremely awesome canopy bed that I just picked up from Nebraska furniture mart on clearance for like next to nothing, k? Bargain! And Jenna totally busts into the room, and she's like, “Michelle! You totally have to get up! There's this guy in my laptop, and he sooo needs our help, right?” And I'm like, “Jenna, what's he doing in your computer? Isn't it really cramped in there or something?” And she's like, “I know, right? But he totally keeps sending me these e-mails, and like, I think he's like really in trouble, k?”

Then like, I jumped out of bed, and I'm like, “Oh muh god! I am so there! Y'know?”

So she opened her laptop and showed me what's going on, y'know? Turns out there's this guy named Fifi Kwetey, and he's like the designated finance guy in Ghana. And like, I think that's great cuz it would totally suck if you had to deal with a government run by drunk people, y'know? Anyway, Ghana is in Africa, which I totally didn't know, right? Like I thought it was closer to Saint Louis, or something?

Anyway, his parents were so murdered by some guys who didn't like the government, and now he's like really scared and needs to totally leave the country. But like, he's on check systems or something, and they won't let him open up a bank account of his own, right? So, like, all he needs to do is borrow Jenna's bank account for a couple of weeks until he can get out of the country and away from the dudes that really hate the government and stuff, y'know? And he said that because she was so nice and everything, that he would totally kick down some money for her trouble and stuff? And I'm like, “aww, that's like so sweet, right?” So Jenna totally did the right thing and gave him her account number right? I mean, like, here in America we're really fortunate and stuff, and like I so totally know how it feels to lose your parents. I mean hello, it's not good, duh!

So, my phone starts ringing off the hook, and I'm like, “Uh, this better be important, k? We're like trying to save some old guy from people that don't like the government?” and then I'm like, woe! It's Chakita Banana, right? Turns out that we totally lost her when like, I forgot her at a gas station in Denver. And she's like, “Uh, it's been like a week or something? Are you gonna come back, and stuff?”

And I'm like, “Oh muh god! Fuck me anally with a rusty melon baller! Chakita Banana, can you ever forgive me? I'll totally have my new personal assistant Ron get you home, k?” Ron is a friend of my friend Xavier, y'know? And I totally think he wants to sleep with me, but he's like only nineteen, and no way am I going to be like, uh, Mrs Robertson or something, right? Anyway he says he's a water dragon from Japan, but he doesn't look Asian, right? And I'm like, do you like, live in aquarium and eat flies and stuff, cuz that would so weird me out. And he totally looked at me like I was crazy or something. Then, he asked if I would let him work for weed and I'm like, seriously? bargain!

Well, I was really proud of Jenna, and I hoped that the guy in Africa was going to be okay, but I was also really glad that we were able to help him get away from the people that don't like the government, right? And like, you know, as cynical and uncaring as people can be sometimes; like, it really feels good to help someone out when they need you. Y'know?

So the next morning, Jenna and Ron went to the bus station to pick up Chakita Banana while I was getting my nails done. On the way, I dropped Kyle by Home Depot and stopped to see my uncle Knuckles Lebawitz about some super secret investment opportunities my dad was totally not interested in. I mean, like, you never know, right? And just as like Uncle Knuckles (my dad came from a really big Jewish family and stuff) was showing me the business plan for the laundromats and the huge mobs of people, I totally got a call from Jenna on my cell phone.

And she's like, “Like, oh muh god, something really bad happened!” and I'm like “oh muh god, like, is everything okay?” and she's like, “like, oh muh god, no! Cuz like, my debit card doesn't work, and like when I went to the bank, they said like I soooo owed them like a ton of money now, and like I don't know what to do!” And I'm like, “oh muh god, nuh uh!” and she's like, “oh muh god, uh huh!” and I'm like, “Oh muh god, like, where are you now?” and she's like, “I'm totally at the bank, and like I'm sitting with like this really smelly bank guy. Cha, when was the last time this loser took a shower or something?” And I'm like, “Right?” and she's like, “Yeah, gag me with a dirty dildo!” And I'm like, “K, I'll be right there.”

Then I had to reschedule with uncle Knuckles, and he asked when he's gonna see me in synagogue, and I'm like, “Did you not get the memo? I'm like a Christian and a Republican and stuff?” and he's like, “I would like, want you to meet my associates,” and I'm like, “Woe, you know smart people?” Right?

Anyway, like I met up with Jenna at the bank, and they're like, “She owes us fifty thousand dollars.” and I'm like, “What ever!” and Jenna's like, “Cha, like I had three hundred and seven dollars in my account yesterday when I let the guy from Africa totally borrowed the account, k?” and they're like, “guy from Africa?” and we're like, “Cha! We were doing a good deed cuz like,he's the designated finance guy from Ghana, right? And he totally needed our help in getting out of the country and stuff, cuz he's like on check systems or something, y'know?” but like we were both telling different parts of it, and talking at the same time, right? And the smelly guy really looked confused.

Now I thought we were like doing a really good job of telling him what was going on y'know? But he like didn't like having to super hot girls talk to him at once because he's a virgin and doesn't like showers or somethin, right? So like, he starts yelling at us, and tells us to “shut the fuck up.” And I'm like, that's not how you talk to customers and stuff, right? Then he like totally threatens to have us arrested if we like don't come up with the money, like right then, y'know? So I'm like, “Will you take a check?” and he's like, “Like, we're a bank, duh!” And I'm like, “I have a credit card too.” And he's like, “You have a credit card with fifty thousand dollars on it?” and I'm like, “uh, I'm a bizzillionaire, hello?” and he's like “Yeah right, like how old are you? 27?” and I'm like, “Uh excuse you, I'm 25.” and then he's like, “Yeah right. Like, why don't I just like call the cops now, and like save us all the trouble, right? Everybody like totally knows that there's no such thing as a bizillionaire,” and I'm really getting peeved by like this point, so I trough my visa platinum card at him and I'm like, “Just run the fucking card, right? I'm so buying this bank and firing you!” and he's like, “What ever! We'll just see about that, bitch.”

He was gone for like an hour. And like through the glass I could totally see him talking to the bank president, who like I later found out his name was Rodney, right? And I'm like, “woe, do you know Tyrone?” And then he gets on the phone with my bank and tells them that somebody totally stole my credit card. So like, my bank calls me, and they're like, “Michelle, what kind of supreme trouble are you getting into now?” and I'm like, “I just don't get it, this skeezy bank guy just hates me today. Can you guys just make it go through?” and they're like, “Cha, obviously.”

So then like, after that they like, noticed it came through, and the bank president came in to apologize and stuff? And I'm like, “Uh, call your lawyers and stuff, I'm totally buying your bank.” and he's like, “Rock!” So we were there for like another three hours, and he made me sign a bunch of papers, right? And then they like wanted to know if I still wanted to fire that guy, and I'm like, “nah.. just change his job title to looozer!”

Anyway, it turns out that like what happened to Jenna was called a 419. And like Ron says that a 419 is what happens just before you smoke really good weed, and like for fifty thousand dollars you could totally buy a whole truckload full of it. And like then he went on about like breathing fire and visiting Japan, and I totally stopped listening, k?

But I was still really upset that I had to buy a bank and everything, right? And like I was even more upset that like, anyone would lie like that, and take advantage of two totally hot and awesome babes from Johnson County, right? So like I had Ron book me and Jenna, and Chakita Banana a flight to Ghana, which is totally in Africa to give Fifi the designated finance guy a piece of my mind, or something, right?

So we flew out, and like the plane ride was so long, y'know? I fell asleep like three times and we were still in the air, and I'm like what the fuck? How far away is Africa anyway?

When we got there, the airport was really run down. It was like Ronald Reagan International in like Washington, or something, only like there were a lot more bikes and little mopeds on the street, so I'm thinking that like Ghana must have a lot of gay people, and that's okay, live and let live y'know?

So we got into a taxi and we're like, take us to the government finance place! And the driver is like, “Are you on like official state business or something?” and we're like, “No way, we just want our money back and stuff, right?” and then he's like, “I never could say no to an attractive white woman.” and me and Jenna are like “awwww,” cuz that was soooo sweet!

After driving through this really bad African American neighborhood for like three hours, we like finally got to the office of the designated finance guy. And he was in too, cuz it was morning there or something. I totally don't get daylight savings time. So he was nice enough to like let us talk to him and stuff, and we like seriously learned so much! And like, we learned a lot about everything! And like, it turns out that when the guy was stealing Jenna's money, he was totally lying about who he was, and like this was not the guy who totally sent out the e-mail and stuff. I felt sooooo stupid! It's obvious, right? Blonde moment!

But you wanna know the best part?

Like before we left he's like, “You know girls, like in my totally awesome country, we have a special way we greet visitors. And like, will you ladies pee on the deck with me?” And I'm like, “Hell yeah we will!” and then he's like, “And will you drink booze and like watch hot boy on boy gay porn with me?” and I'm like, “Woe, I really like Africa, and stuff.”